Saturday, April 16, 2005

Who Am I?

It's a question I've been getting a lot lately. And by people I never expected to hear it from- my husband and my best friend. It's a fair question I suppose, because there have been some marked changes in me over the past 6-8 months or so.

For the past 8 years, I've been a Mom. It sorta takes over your life when it happens. You know your life is going to be different, but you just don't know how much. "YOU" get put away. The dancing on Friday nights, shopping for yourself, getting up in the morning and only having yourself to get out the door, and simply going out anywhere you want- anytime you want- all disappears. Nothing you do centers around yourself anymore. It's all about the Baby. "You" get lost.

What was I before I was a Mom? I was a Red Cross Disaster Services Volunteer. I was a 401k Plan Administrator. I was flirty. I liked clubbing. I loved dancing, and I loved seeing and being in theatrical productions. I went to happy hour every Thursday or Friday night. I did a lot of crafts. I kept my apartment fairly clean. I paid more attention to my weight and physical fitness. I wore contacts instead of my glasses every time I went out- never let them see you in your glasses. And I didn't have asthma, PMS or TMJ.

What has changed over the past year? A lot. I got tired of being someone I wasn't. I wanted that fun girl back- the one who did things simply because it pleased HER- not someone else. I'm still not very active in Red Cross, but I did more in 2004 than 2003- and I love it. I'm flirty-on the net- and it's fun. I've done two shows at my church (dance and theatrical productions)- and I loved it. I turned my dining room into a craft room (which I haven't used much since Christmas, but I will)- and I love that too. I've started working out and losing weight- I REALLY love that! And last night- I got new contacts.

I love my family- I love being a Mom. I get more joy (and heartache) from those two little beaners than I ever thought possible. But somewhere in there- I wanted it all. I wanted "ME" and "MOM" to mesh. It's working. ME is coming back, and MOM isn't suffering.....
The new ME- is staying.

6 Comments:

  • Isn't it funny that both of our youngest are around the same age and I have felt almost the same way ...like 'me' is slowly being allowed to come back. I think that the blog AND ALL OF YOU have helped me get there! I guess it takes about four years to let yourself accept the fact that you can be a WOMAN and a MOTHER and that it's OK!

    Love ya girl!

    By Blogger ALa, at 12:28 PM  

  • It is so neat to read about your background. You're fun to hang out with in all personas, chickie!

    By Blogger Barb, at 2:32 PM  

  • ...and especially with a few 'ritas 'neath your belt... heh. I saw the same process with my late wife- losing it all in the flurry and discombobulation of coping with two young uns, and then slowly- but inexorably- regaining a sense of self, with the understanding that the two (mom and woman) are not exclusive. They are, in fact, complimentary. Taking care of yourself and being yourself will only help the kids establish their own personalities in a balanced and wholesome way- when momma is happy, everyone is happy...

    By Anonymous Neffi, at 5:17 PM  

  • Maybe it's more with being married and a mom, but I did feel something similar. You know I have a job that I loved at one point. I put everything into it.

    One day, I was in Denver and I got a call that my grandmother was dying. The anniversary is coming up soon and I'll write more about her influence on me, but she was one of my biggest fans.

    Losing her made me wake up for a minute and start asking where the hell I was and who I was. At the same time, my bro was talking about rotating to Iraq and I realized that I had put so much into my job that I was missing other things in life.

    It's easy to lose yourself. I think I haven't completely came back around. I am still trying to balance out who I am and how the parts fit together. My family is deeply confused about my lack of overt happiness and I'm at a loss to explain it. What can they understand of the real you?

    I feel like I've spent a huge amount of my life living up to other people's expectations and I lost my dreams. I want to be able to dream again and shoot for them.

    Even that is scary, but I think I am learning to have a little dream again. Blogging and writing and having people read and comment on that gives me deep pleasure because it has been a long dream to be a writer. I don't think I'm good enough for publishing, though some said I should try.

    It is almost sufficient just to know everyone I do on the internet, virtual strangers becoming friends, reading what I wrote and validating that I am more than just a good analyst or a good daughter, but a good me.

    By Blogger Kat, at 6:03 PM  

  • Kat - I think you are good enough to get published. You write poetry well, and I love your rants! If there's anything we can to do encourage or support you - tell us what it is, we'll do it!!!

    By Blogger Barb, at 6:38 PM  

  • Good for you!!!!! *hugs*

    By Blogger ~Jen~, at 10:19 AM  

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