Monday, October 30, 2006

Jump Me... PLEASE

There I was. It was 7:20am- I was on time. Heck, I'd even had time to do some laundry and clean the litter box before leaving! Yes. All was right in the world.
Until.... I tried to start the car.
click click click click click
Surely it was an abberition, so I tried again.
click click click click click
Battery. Dead as the decapitated hamster in the Godiva box.
Roadside Assistance guy asked me if I was at home- I said yes- and then said that someone would be there in "45 minutes or less. Would you like their phone number- just in case?"
"Sure. Thanks."

I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
After an hour, I finally called. "Oh, he got hung up in traffic, but he's on his way- almost there."
I waited some more.
Then.. the phone rang. A frantic man on the other end of the phone tried to explain exactly where he was in relationship to my house. Unfortunately, I had NO IDEA what the dude was saying, much less where in the HELL he was (other than LOST IN OHIO, that is).
I finally got him turned around right, and on his way to my house. "Turn right on DG.. ok, I see it. I'm turning right".
"GOOD! At the end, turn right on S."
"OK... LEFT on S?"
"NO!! RIGHT on S. RIGHT... not LEFT"
"OK.. turning right on S. Now what?"
"Take the next right onto WV. There's a circle at the end- drive straight up the middle of the circle onto my driveway"

Knowing he'd be there in seconds, I went outside... just in time to see him turn into a driveway 3 HOUSES DOWN FROM MINE. Huh. I had *no* idea that house was AT THE END OF THE CULDESAC. As if I couldn't tell already, it was obvious by now I was dealing with a rocket scientist. NOT.

After waving him down, he pulls up, all the way behind my car. His front bumper is inches from my rear bumper. He gets out. Shakes his head.. "how we gonna get to yo cah?"
Like a frikkin' GENIUS, I tell him, "We'll have to push it out a little"
He lights up. Must be Christmas in his world. He gets back in his car, and backs down the driveway... ONTO MY LANDSCAPING, AND OVER A BUSH. When he hit it, he had this Eddie Murphy, "OH!!" look on his face. I'm pretty sure I heard his brain say "Oh man... My bad", but his mouth just said "DAMN!"

I shook my head, turned and got into my car, ready to stear as he pushed. We finally got the cars aligned, and he can't get the jumper cables to stay clipped on my battery. Sparks. I saw sparks. I swore... under my breath... but, I did get the car started. Mission accomplished!

Then came the depature.
He looks at me, and in all seriousness says "um. It may take me a while to git down yo drive- I ain't good at backing up." WELL, YOU DON'T SAY.....
I told him to move up under the carport, I would drive out, then he could back up into the spot I was in currently, and drive straight down the driveway. It took a few seconds of processing to let those incredibly detailed instructions sink in. As I drove past his car, now sitting in the carport, I notice it. Half of my bush is now HANGING FROM HIS BUMPER.

My Bad.


I called work to let them know I was FINALLY on my way (45 minutes, my ASS... it took him over 1 1/2 HOURS to get to me). Gina, laughing, said "So, I guess he got ahold of you for directions?"
HUH? "How did you know he got lost, Gina?"


Just when I thought the morning couldn't possibly get more bizarre.. it DID.


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